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This Winter

A Rebours


Tomorrow's new dawn breaks the silver frost,
But today's gray canvas makes me feel lost.
It smells like falling stars every time she comes near;
They crash in my eyes and burn up my tears.
A colorless sky obscures the heart on my sleeve,
Entreating a reprieve, while watching her grieve.
It's getting late and dark and cold and I want to explain,
Though, such a thing's a hollow, dire and worthless refrain.

This winter inside—
Deliverance denied where bloodless blossoms wilt and die.
Go—Stop snowing on my head.
Go—I don't want your rain on my back.
Go—Stop making me feel numb.
Go—I need you to let me forgive me.

Through a blizzard of regrets I toss and turn and thrash.
Flakes fall on my tongue and they taste just like ash.
Each obsidian raindrop that collides with my skin
Is a souvenir of pain from the black rain of shame.
Every burning bridge's warmth is cause to apologize,
Even though her trust is lying covered with flies.
I am become my own indignant Montresor—
Brick by repentant brick, sealing off my hollow core.

This winter inside—
Her mercy purified where I keep me crucified
Go—Stop blowing in the windows.
Go—I don't want your chill on me.
Go—Stop pounding me with rain.
Go—I need you to let me forgive...

This endless season of guilt.
This aimless shambling in a cage I built.
I swore I'd make her fall in love with me again,
But she always has loved me.

Go—Stop bleeding me with frozen knives.
Go—I don't need you cutting me.
So go—Stop shredding all my self-esteem.
Go—I need you to let me forgive...me.

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