Well, I wish I had my picture
On the Rolling Stone today
I wish that the Enquirer
Spread a rumor I was gay
I wish I had some buddies
Some movie stars and such
'Cause I probably wouldn't worry
About the two of us as much

Chorus
And I'd spend all my money
On caviar and cocaine
And I would not remember
How you broke my heart today

You know I, I wish I had a super model
So skinny and so wild
And a waitress in Nevada
She says she's carryin' my child
I'd drive down Sunset Boulevard, my hair
blowin' in the wind
I'd stop at fancy restaurants
And they'd finally let me in

Chorus

Yeah, I wish I had my picture
With the Rolling Stones today
And I wish the Enquirer
Spread a rumor that I was gay
I wish I knew a movie star
Someone like Charlie Sheen
'Cause if he'd hang out
with Kato Kaelin
Well, I guess he'd hang out with me
And I'd spend all my money
On caviar and Rogaine
And I would not remember
How you broke my heart today