Lifes far more depressing when you read the Daily Mail,
For doom and gloom and youll be dead soon, its the best paper on sale,
Each day a terrorism threat or a new killer disease,
Its the best way to kill all optimism for just 45p

On Monday youll get cancer, if you eat Broccoli,
On Tuesday your face will implode, if you over clean your teeth
On Wednesday most cat owners, are likely peadophiles
& it was confirmed on Thursday, Bin Laden, has a cottage in Carlisle

Lifes far more depressing when you read the Daily Mail,
For doom and gloom and youll be dead soon, its the best paper on sale,
Each day a terrorism threat or a new killer disease,
Its the best way to kill all optimism for just 45p

Lock up your houses, dont move stay very still
The Mail has proof that everything in this World can kill,
Ever wondered why birds themselves arent bothered by bird flu?
Cos they dont read the sodding daily mail like me and you

On Friday eating ready meals could give you HIV
Saturday said the rounder your head, the less your life expectancy
On Sunday kids who play videogames were more likely to watch porn
Its a paranoid, hypochondriac in printed-paper form