When I'm watching Tv,
The girls are all I see,
They're singing and dancing
And acting and modelling,
None of them would look at me.
If I went to Jessica Simpson,
She'd think I was an ignoramus,
And if I tried to talk to Cameron Diaz,
She'd say "get lost boy, I'm famous!"

All the women 'round here,
Have Bo or they have rolls,
And some lucky bloke right now,
Is probably hugging Beyonce Knowles.

If I had Jessica Alba's number,
I'd call her right up,
And I'd ask her what she's doing
At half past three,
And then I'd ask her
If she'd marry me,
If I had Jessica Alba's number,
I'd be the luckiest guy in the world,

I'd be the luckiest guy in the universe,
And then some dick would try
To steal her purse,
So I'd smack him in the head
With my mobile phone and I'd say,
"Hey mister, leave Jessie alone!"

If I had Jessica Alba's number,
If I had Jessica Alba's number,
If I had Jessica Alba's number,
If I had Jessica Alba's number,

Fit girls getting shot in films,
I'm always into ya'z,
I'd like to go see Toy Story 2,
With just me and Britney Spears,
And then she'd say "Hit me baby,
One more time", and I'd say:
"No way Britney,
Domestic Violence is a crime",
I like the one from Showgirls,
When she's dancing
'Round those poles,
Or the really, really fit one,
Who sings in the Pussycat Dolls.

I've nearly got a moustache,
And they still wouldnt talked at me,
Kate Winslet naked in Titanic,
Or the lesbian from the Oc.

If I had Jessica Alba's number,
I'd call her right up,
And I'd ask her what she's doing
At half past three,
And then I'd ask her
If she'd marry me,
If I had Jessica Alba's number,
I'd be the luckiest guy in the world,

I'd be the luckiest guy in the universe,
And then some dick would try
To steal her purse,
So I'd smack him in the head
With my mobile phone and I'd say,
"Hey mister, leave Jessie alone!"

If I had Jessica Alba's number,
If I had Jessica Alba's number,
If I had Jessica Alba's number,
If I had Jessica Alba's number,

If I had Jennifer Lopez's number,
Or Kate Nash's Number,
Or the girl who was in
Transformers' number,
Or Jessica Alba's number...