i got a little friend he's with me to the end
what does he say
i ask him for opinions and political decisions
each and every day
i know that it's a dream dirty and obscene anyway

if stuart could talk what would he say
if stuart could talk what would he say
if stuart could talk what would he say
what would he say if stuey could talk to me

whenever i'm alone i'm really not alone
he's always there
when i am going to falter and i'm standing at the alter
and there's not a prayer
i know it's up to him if i ever sin anyway

what would he say what would he say
"yes my name is stuart and i assure you i can speak
and lately i find myself astounded
at the sort of company you keep
something further i must mention
of this fact i cannot understand
is your insatiable attention at annoying me with your hand
and in closing may i offer this point must be succint
my purpose is for procreation
and not facilitating in your sin"