Well it's prom night, I'm all alone and man I feel so lame
Across the gym, stands the girl of my dreams
But she doesn't even know my name

As I stare my heart skips a beat
She leaves me breathless I can't pretend
I know that I can't offer her much
But I sure beat her douche bag boyfriend

You may never want me
But love for you is true
So everywhere I go girl
I'll be touching myself to you

Oh... I will masturbate to you in the shower
In the cafeteria during lunch hour
Gonna play with myself in my parents' car... to you!

Oooh, I will masturbate to you on the beach
In the dentists chair while he's cleaning my teeth
I'll never see you again after tonight
But I will masturbate to you for life

Don't dare you stare and judge me on how I express my love
You can write poetry, me I will rub and tug

I'll never hold you
Lay with you in the sand
Go live your life girl
Cause I'll being making love to my hand

Oh, I will masturbate to you like a fiend
On Martin Luther King Day and duing Halloween
Stroking every single night of Hanukah

Oh, I will masturbate to you over sea's
On the Eiffel tower and while meeting the Queen
Honey go with him, I'll be alright.
Cause I will masturbate to you for life

Life is so lonely without you
There's only so much jerking one guy can do
But why this devotion
I've wasted all my lotion
Baby I was blind but now I can see..

Oh, I will masturbate as you grow old with me
Every single birthday and anniversary
In the delivery room as our first child is born

I will masturbate to you and you alone
Playing with our grandkids in our nursing home
You're the one that I need I must have missed it somehow
But I will masturbate, I will masturbate, I will masturbate..
To you right now.....