(Elle)
There! Right There!
Look at that tan, that tinted skin
Look at the killer shape he's in
Look at that slightly stubly chin
Oh Please he's gay, totally gay

(Calahan)
I'm not about to celebrate
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expotriate.
This guy's not gay, I say not gay

(All)
That is the elephant in the room
Well, is it relevant to assume
that a man who wears perfume
is automatically matically fay?

(Emmett)
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks

(Elle)
Look at his silk translucent socks

Calahan:
There's the eternal paradox
Look what we're seeing

(Elle)
What are we seeing?

(Calahan)
Is he gay?

(Elle)
Of course he's gay

Calahan
Or European?

(All)
ohhhhhh
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or european?

(Warner)
Well, hey don't look at me

Vivian
You see they bring their boys up different
in those charming foreign ports
They play peculiar sports

(All)
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks
They will say things like "ciao bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks

(Elle)
Oh please

(All)
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray

(Warner)
Depending on the time of day
The French go either way

(All)
Is he gay or European?
or-

(Eden)
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk
Seen it on every guy at work
That is a metro-hetro jerk
That guy's not gay, I say no way

(All)
That is the elephant in the room
Well is it relevant to presume
that a hottie in that costume

(Elle)
Is automatically, radically

(Calahan)
Ironically, cronically

(Vivian)
Scurtinly, curtainly

(Warner)
Genetically, netically

(All)
Gay!
Officially Gay!
Officially Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay!

Dammit

Gay or European?

(Calahan)
So stylish and relaxed

(All)
Is he gay or European?

(Calahan)
I think his chest is waxed

(Vivian)
But they bring their boys up different there
It's culturally diverse
It's not a fashion curse

(All)
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code

(Brooke)
Yet his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy toed

(All)
Huh
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray

(Judge)
But if he turns out straight
I'm free at 8 on saturday

(All)
Is he gay or European?
Gay or european?
Gay or Euro-

(Emmett)
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy
I have an idea I'd like to try

(Calahan)
The floor is yours

(Emmett)
So Mr. Argitacos...
This alleged affair with Ms. Windam
has been going on for...?

(Nicos)
2 years

(Emmett)
And your first name again is...?

(Nicos)
Nicos

(Emmett)
And your boyfriend's name is...?

(Nicos)
Carlos

I'm sorry! I misunderstand
You say boyfriend
I thought you say best friend
Carlos is my best friend

(Carlos)
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it
I no cover for you, no more!

Peoples
I have a big announcement
This man is gay and European!
And neither is disgrace
you've got to stop your being
a completely closet case

No matter what he say
I sware he never ever ever swing the other way
You are so gay
You big parfait!
You flaming boy in cabaret

(Nicos)
I'm straight!

(Carlos)
You were not yesterday

So if I may, I'm proud to say
He's gay!

(All)
And European!

(Carlos)
He's gay!

(All)
And European!

(Carlos)
He's gay!

(All)
And European and Gay!

(Nicos)
Fine okay I'm gay!

(All)
Hooray!

(Nicos and Carlos)
Fine. Okay. We're gay!