Verse 1:
My brain makes the earth dark but I'm hung like a birthmark
I like to suck toes yours secrete fructose
I make paintings based on grids just like Chuck Close
I'm old school like Aztecs but new in other aspects
If you want sex with me be prepared for bad sex and slapstick
Even Chapstick won't help my chapped dick
When I'm with a naked chick I use a faker dick
A turkey baster laced with Elmer's to make it stick
My ex fled to Reykjavik, we really were trying
Ohhh your so wet, "My pussy's crying"
I need an eye exam and a vagina with no diaphragm
Or condom, I'm pond scum, I'm going to buy a lamb
And when we make love I'll picture titty humping
which looks like a Venn Diagram
Ewww, this isn't dope I feel like I'm pissing Scope
Lamby's a misanthrope
I asked her to stop moving, does she listen? Nope
The sheep was a clone so I was a creep on the phone
Now I'm sleeping alone
With her photo on my nightstand in a sepia tone
Oh yeah and you know that...
<Scratching> "Paul Bar-Bar-Barman"

Chorus:
The joy of your world is Paul Barman!!!
Beautiful, Beautiful Barman
Yes the joy of your wwoorrlldd is Paul Barman!!!
Beautiful, Beautiful Barman

Verse 2:
After this rap I'll be in Napoli, happily
Proposing to my chosen under an apple tree
"Let's get married," I don't walk, I get carried
By a motorcade of voter-age women on rollerblades
In cute sleeveless shirts exposing their shoulder blades
But I'm a lonely guy since my honeypie ran off with Ione Skye
Now I've got nothing whatsoever, ugly-broke-arrogant, but so clever
When I write rhymes on brown bags and in shower steam
Me and Paul are the power team
We'll leave you deflowered with a mouth full of sour cream
Gobble this obelisk
<Scratching> "Paul Bar-Bar-Barman"

Chorus:
The joy of your world is Paul Barman!!!
Beautiful, Beautiful Barman
Yes the joy of your wwoorrlldd is Paul Barman!!!
Beautiful, Beautiful Barman

Verse 3:
My close pals, aunts, uncles, leaders, Nations, and towns
Hamlets and neighboring islands, everyone
Landlords, bosses, and relatives, moms and newborns
Somehow when I act thirteen, I'm a virgin girl's tractor beam
This one was dressed to kill from her head to my testicle
She was from west of Phil-ly and spoke well of it
She said, "Just for the hell of it let's not be celibate."
I got all higgledy piggledy, it's a big relief
When I take off my fig uh leaf
She said that, "Let's get at this" but her cat and an unpotted cactus
Sat on her mattress
that sure made it saturated with sharp thorns and cat piss
I put on a hiphop beat while she whipped off the topsheet
She said, "Come to bed I like my undergrads underfed
They amaze how they stay up days on mayonnaise and Wonderbread."
I dove in her cervix a lot like Sir Mixalot
This interlude is for the women I've interviewed about the clitoris
and how to make it less hit-or-miss
Should we be gentle?, Is it all mental?
I won't use a dental dam 'cause it discurges
my urges to submerge in her jizz
She said, "My goodness you should juss use clues that's nonverbal
You're too vigorous if my clitoris, for example, turns purple"
It was time to copulate but we didn't want to populate
So my bold groin reached for my gold coin proooophylactic
I unwrapped it, you can't know how I felt
It wasn't a gold coin condom, it was chocolate Chanukah gelt
The white part crumbled on her tummy and the rest began to melt
Foiled again.....

<Scratching> "It's a classic piece, It's a classic piece,
It's a classic piece
We'd like to thank George for that and also Paauull Bar-Bar-Barman,
Bar-Barman Barman-Barman-Barman, and also Paauull Bar-Bar-Barman,
Bar-Bar-Barman, Paauull Bar-Bar-Barman, From Chapel Hill
who made the contribution of 5 dollars
Thanks Charles, I mean pardon me Paul,
Charles took the pledge, No Doubt"