[BETELGEUSE]
Okay
Listen up, I'm not gonna lie
Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly
Or scare a seagull off of a fry
You ever stop to ask yourselves "why? "

Both of you are super polite
Middle class, suburban, and white
Well, all of that is finished tonight
Except for the white part
Obviously

Take your places
I want scary faces
Now go!
Bigger
Further
Harder
Not bad

Sever a head
Preferably someone you know

[BARBARA, spoken]
Look at me, I'm so scary


[BETELGEUSE]
Don't be so vanilla
Would a little anger kill ya?
C'mon, drop your panties
I'm trying to fill ya
With wisdom and skill
And the instinct to kill

[ADAM, spoken]
Again, we do not want to kill anyone!

[BETELGEUSE, spoken]
Fine! But somehow, someway, you gotta make 'em see ya. I'm talkin' jump-scares, the jerky Japanese ghost-walk
Plus—learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!

[ADAM, spoken]
Now THAT is cool! I wanna do that!

[BETELGEUSE]
Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy
Raising the stakes by punching a baby
Scare 'em awake till they break
They'll be quaking in fright

'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you
Put all the farmer's markets behind you
You've gotta work
Gotta haunt till it hurts
Through the night
And give those guys the fright of their lives
Yeah yeah!

Let's start with things that you hate

[ADAM]
Well, hate's a very strong word

[BARBARA]
Perhaps when people are late

[ADAM]
Or getting pooped on by birds?

[BETELGEUSE]
No, what fills you with rage?

[BARBARA]
Being mean to a pet

[ADAM]
Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette

[BARBARA]
Over-glutinous food

[BETELGEUSE, spoken]
Right


[ADAM]
Or when kids call me "dude"

[BETELGEUSE, spoken]
Sure

[BARBARA]
Oh, I find that so rude!

[BETELGEUSE]
Well, there's lots there to use
Take a deep breath
And give me your best primal scream

[BARBARA]
Haah!

[ADAM, spoken]
Barbara, that was brilliant!

[BARBARA, spoken]
Really?

[BETELGEUSE]
Try it again
Maybe this time pretend like you mean it

[BARBARA]
AAuuhh!

[ADAM, spoken]
That was even better!

[BARBARA, spoken]
Thanks!

[BETELGEUSE]
I want freedom
But to get my freedom, I need them
To get a living person to say my name

[ADAM & BARBARA]
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse?

[BETELGEUSE]
I know that beggars can't be choosers
But do they have to be such losers?
Both of them are deathly dull and lame

[ADAM & BARBARA & CHOIR]
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse

[BETELGEUSE]
Why God-slash-Satan, did you send these bed wetters?
Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better
Somebody with gravitas
Somebody to fear who—

[ADAM]
Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse
We can kind of hear you

[BETELGEUSE, spoken]
Yeah? Well that was a soliloquy so you're the one who's being rude

(sung)
Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy

[BARBARA]
Turn all the lights on

[ADAM]
Dress like a baby

[BETELGEUSE, spoken]
Adam, I don't even... no

(sung)
Get your heads in the game

[ADAM & BARBARA]
Let's hide their phones!

[BETELGEUSE (ADAM & BARBARA) ]
Screw their phones!
Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless
How will I ever survive?
Unless they get the fright of their lives
(Yes yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it!)
They gotta get the fright of their lives
(We're scary, very very scary!)
They'll never get the fright of their lives
(Yeah!)
Ugh