All the secrets we have shared
Have moved to a couple better paired
So if he impales himself on javelin or spike
I will try my best to be the perfect lookalike

And if he wants to be smart
And enter a property quiz
Every weed in the garden's mine but the lawnmower's his
Every weed in the garden's mine but the lawnmower's his

And if his manhood needs the help of scaffold or even a winch
I will gladly supplement that extra little inch
And if it ever reaches tie-break at the property quiz
If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my tits and fanny not his
If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my not his

Now you've found someone new
May I watch him do what I used to do
So if he dies an ugly death or even if he faints
I'll be there at the window with my face pressed up against

Maybe I shouted too loud
Maybe you were blissfully deaf
But I hope he's a better sport than he was a ref
I hope he's a better sport than he was a ref

And if his manhood needs the help of scaffold or even a winch
I will gladly supplement that extra little inch
And if it ever reaches tie-break at the property quiz
If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my tits and fanny not his
If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my not his

I hope he likes to fly
And is a good host to every guest
'Cause there's less chance of dying in a crash than being bored to death
Yes there's less chance of dying in a crash than being bored to death

And if his manhood needs the help of scaffold or even a winch
I will gladly supplement that extra little inch
And if it ever reaches tie-break at the property quiz
If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my tits and fanny not his
If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my not his