Aquarius
There's travel in your future
when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life
by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos
with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance,
no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless
when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,
then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness
what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,
do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again
by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says
you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
while taking your driver's test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding,
then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent
Except for you
Expect a big surprise today
when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.
Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner
for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine,
remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip
when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem,
you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back
Kill them.
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today