PENGUINS ON THE MOON (A Musical)



Scene 1 (ANTARCTICA)

Narrator: Antarctica, a barren Frozen Wasteland, the World’s most inhospitable continent; where nights last for daysand winter for centuries. No man nor beast makes this ice-bound desert his home except for lonely herds of desperate Penguins, huddled together to ward off the biting sub zero winds, but wait what are those penguins up to?



Scene 2 (PENGUINS ON THE MOON)

VERSE 1

Capt.: I’ve built a Rocket

to take us into space.

Alfredo: We just thought fuck it

let’s leave this frosty place.

Capt: I’m a penguin scientist

Alfredo: To explore the distant moon.

Capt: We’re quite excited.

Alfredo: We’re going pretty soon.

PRE-CHORUS

Bob: We’re taking a long trip

Burt: Trying to stay hip

Bob: Getting a fresh grip

Burt: Anywhere’s better than here

Bob: We’re starting a new life

Burt: Without the pack ice

Bob: Up in the blue sky

Burt: Don’t you worry, There’s no hurry

Bob: We can wait all day

CHORUS

Narrator: In year two thousand there’ll be penguins on the moon.

The Penguins: We’ll make a better day

In our own penguin way

Narrator: In year two thousand there’ll be penguins on the moon

Believe me now there’ll be

All: Penguins on the Moon.

VERSE 2

Capt: Now I’m the Capt,

I’m the leader of this trip

Alfredo: And my name’s Alfredo

Capt: Yes, you’d call him my sidekick

Alfredo: We’ve got two…

Bob & Burt: …twins here.

Bob: Bob is one…

Burt: …and Burt is Two.

Alfredo: That rhyme couldn’t be flimsier.

Capt: But at least it got us through.

PRE-CHORUS

Bob: We’re building a new ship

Burt: Shaped like a tulip

Bob: Painting a blue tip

Burt: Anything’s better than pink

Bob: We’ll be on the telly

Burt: Can we have jelly?

Bob: Where are my Wellies?

Burt: No you dummy, It’ll be sunny

Bob: Let me here you say,

CHORUS

Narrator: In year two thousand there’ll be penguins on the moon.

The Penguins: We’ll make a better day

In our own penguin way

Narrator: In year two thousand there’ll be penguins on the moon

Believe me now there’ll be

All: Penguins on the Moon.

MID SECTION

Capt.: I’m looking forward with great expectancy

To find a new life without an icy sea

There’ll be no nasty sharks or hungry leopard seals,

Who’s coming first I say?

Burt: Me!

Alfredo: No, me!

Bob: No, me!

VERSE 3

Capt.: Our rocket’s ready

As cunning as it’s planned

Burt: But it’s not too steady

Bob: ‘Cos it’s built with flippers instead of hands.

CHORUS

Narrator: In year two thousand there’ll be penguins on the moon.

The Penguins: We’ll make a better day

In our own penguin way

Narrator: In year two thousand there’ll be penguins on the moon

Believe me now there’ll be

All: Penguins on the Moon

Penguins on the Moon

Penguins on the Moon

Penguins on the Moon

Penguins on the Moon

Penguins on the Moon

Penguins on the Moon

Penguins on the Moon.



SCENE 3 (A LESSON FROM HISTORY)

Narrator: Now penguins are birds

About whom I’ve heard

(Or should I say it’s often been said)

Are suited to life amongst snow and ice

Or I guess they’d all be long dead.

But is it the case

Or have we just thought in haste

That they went there of their own choosing?

Or could it just be,

At least it seems to me,

That Darwin’s game they’ve been losing?

Now picture the scene when Antarctica’s green

(This happened many thousand years ago)

With all manner of fowl

From peacocks to owls

Before all this nasty snow.

Then all the birds that could fly

Just took to the skies

And head for a warmer pasture.

-*-

But our penguin friends

Are at their wits ends

For flying they just couldn’t master.

So they made the best

Of what they had left

And learned to put up with the snow.

But they never forgot

All that they’d lost

To the weather they’d just become bold.

And they planned for the day

In their cold avine way

When they’d finaly make their escape.

So they built their own rocket

With bits from their pockets

And bravely set off for space.





SCENE 4 (RAINBOW TROUT - A Disaster Averted)

VERSE 1

Penguins: Alright, Hold tight.

Bob: Check you’ve got your seat belt on.

Penguins: Blast off, cast off.

Burt: Did we leave the kettle on?

Penguins: So high, In the sky.

Bob: Heading upward for the moon.

Penguins: On our way, chocks away.

Burt: I only hope we get there soon.

PRE-CHORUS

Capt.: Seeing our old igloos from this view on high

Leaving all our frozen homes behind.

CHORUS

Penguins: And now at last

It’s in the past

And there’s no turning back now

We’ll be the first lunar chicks…yeah.

VERSE 2

Penguins: Come on, move along.

Bob: Shouldn’t we be going faster?

Penguins: Let’s go, so slow.

Burt: No power in our master blaster.

Bob & Burt:What’s for tea? Fish for me.

We put lots in the fuel bay.

Capt. & Alf:What say? No Way!

Bob & Burt:For fish we threw our fuel away

PRE-CHORUS

Capt.: Burt and Bob you’ve angered me, you’re very naughty boys

Dumping all our fuel into the void.

CHORUS

Penguins: And now at last

Halfway is past

And there’s no turning back now

We’ll be the first lunar chicks…

Alfredo: Even if it kills us.

MID-SECTION

Bob & Burt:We’re very sorry if we compromised our trip

We never ever thought that food could hurt the ship

We realise too late that fish can kill us all…

Burt: …kill us all?

Bob & Burt: …Stop our fall!

PRE-CHORUS

Capt.: Luckily I’ve formed a plan to save us from our doom

More cunning than my plan this afternoon

We’ve got to gut these fish we’ve got

or we’re off this mortal coil

We’ll fuel it up on cold cod liver oil.

CHORUS

Penguins: And now at last

Disaster’s past

And there’s no turning back now

We’ll be the first lunar chicks…





SCENE 5 (THE LANDING -instrumental.)



SCENE 6 (BURT'S TALE)

Narrator: But one young bird,

A small one called Burt,

Had plans and ideas of his own.

And as soon as they’d landed

And just how he’d planned it

He set off for the mountains alone.

Now his own little scheme,

Twas a childhood dream

Was to ski the lunar slopes.

But early on

When he was not far gone

He despaired and near gave up hope.

So he sat for a while

On a moon rock pile

And felt himself so alone…

-*-

Twas then that he spied

Through the corner of his eye

A distant twinkling gleam.

So he set off at a waddle,

With a swig from his bottle

That he’d packed with fresh clotted cream.

The sparkle grew nearer

And Burt saw it clearer

As a silvery box left by NASA,

And although he didn’t know it

Or cared how to show it,

Twas a microwave used to cook pasta.

… and Burt was smitten.



SCENE 7 (MICROWAVE SWEETHEART)



VERSE 1

Burt: I found her on her side in a lunar crater

She acted kinda shy but I knew I would date her

We met up on the same spot half an hour later

If you’re getting bored of fish, try her baked potato

CHORUS

Microwave Sweetheart

She’ll feel much better when her circuits fixed

Microwave Sweetheart

She don’t say much ‘cos her settings are mixed

Microwave Sweetheart

VERSE 2

First date I took her to the lunar seaside

We stayed up pretty late till nearly tea-time

She’s got a cute bell that rings on the inside

I’m falling for her fast down a slippery steep slide



CHORUS

Microwave Sweetheart

She’ll feel much better when her circuits fixed

Microwave Sweetheart

She don’t say much ‘cos her settings are mixed

Microwave Sweetheart

MID SECTION

Alfredo: A romance with machinery is sure to end in tears

Been a luddite since in puberty, it awakens all my fears

Her deadly rays will get their grip, I’m sure it’s just begun

Burt: I don’t care it’s me and her and we’re just having fun

She’s my...

CHORUS

Microwave Sweetheart

She’ll feel much better when her circuits fixed

Microwave Sweetheart

She don’t say much ‘cos her settings are mixed

Microwave Sweetheart- and we’re so in love.



SCENE 8 (CHEESY)

VERSE 1

Alfredo: We built our lunar dome, it’s looking quite magnificent,

Everybody’s right to be a little proud.

We’re feeling right at home, in our new establishment.

Burt & Bob:But what’s for tea fish pie for me.

Bob: I’m hoping that it’s plaice.

Alfredo: The trouble is my friends

Our rations didn’t last so long

Everybody ate a little touch too much.

Our kippers met their end;

Bob ate them while Burt sang his song.

Burt & Bob:But what’s to eat beneath our feet?

It’s sticky and it smells so...

PRE-CHORUS

Penguins: Cheesy.

Alfredo: It’s got nutrients and Calcium.

Penguins: Cheesy.

Alfredo: There’s plenty here for everyone.

Capt.: It’s the tipper toppermost of lunar cuisine.

CHORUS

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

Bob: It’s tasty and it’s free

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

Burt: Break out a recipe

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

There’s lots for you and me.

VERSE 2

Alfredo: My mind is running over with thoughts of pizza topping

All around us is the smell of cheese on toast

We’ve eaten up our fill but show no signs of stopping

Burt & Bob: It’s such a treat, we’ve got to eat,

It’s yummy and it tastes so...


PRE-CHORUS

Penguins: Cheesy.

Alfredo: It’s got streaks in just like Danish blue.

Penguins: Cheesy.

Alfredo: It’s suitable for Swiss fondue.

Capt.: It’s the tipper toppermost of lunar cuisine.

CHORUS

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

Burt: Of such variety

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

Bob: As far as the eye can see.(Far the eye can see)

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

There’s lots for you and me.

-*-

CHORUS

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

Bob: It melts so easily

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

Burt: I think I trod in some brie

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

There’s lots for you and me

Bob: One more time…

CHORUS

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

Alfredo: Yeah, yeah

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

Capt: Oh yeah

PENGUINS: The moon is made of cheese

There’s lots for you and me

Paul Stanley: And you know I'm so tired of everybody saying it, I just gotta know is the moon really, really made of cheese?



SCENE 9 (ALIENS)

Narrator: Meanwhile, not so far away…

VERSE 1

Aliens: We got rocks made of cheese

We got emmental and parmesan and brie.

We got style, we got breeze.

We’re just hanging out here doing what we please.

VERSE2

We got drink over here.

We got venus wine and solar system beer.

We got girls and we got guys,

We got superhuman hybrids twice your size.

CHORUS

We’re alright, we’re okay

We just wish you’d pack your bags and go away.

VERSE 3

You got wings but you can’t fly,

You got silly little beakies, my oh my.

Where’s your hands where’s your ears?

Evolution hasn’t noticed you for years.

CHORUS

We’re alright, we’re okay

Don’t you know you’re not the first to pass this way.

We’re alone but not today

All you astronautic penguins go away.

MID SECTION

Now that you have finally reached the sky

You won’t find fish no matter how you try,

So get back in your rocket and you’ll fly away...

CHORUS

We’re alright, we’re okay

Don’t you know you’re not the first to pass this way.

We’re alone but not today

All you astronautic penguins go awa…



SCENE 10 (ALL I WANT IS FISH)

Narrator: Bob doesn’t look to happy either, c’mon Bob what’s the matter?

Bob: Got the urge to flap my wings now even though they’re little things.

I’ve never felt so sad and all alone.

Feeling homesick it’s getting stronger, I need to last a little longer

I only hope our Captain gets us home

Cos I’m sick of Moondust cheese

I’m begging on my knees

All I want is Fish

That’s my only wish



Burt’s in love with his new appliance, a tragedy of modern science

I hope he sees he’s making a mistake

I waddle round and round for hours bombarded by these cosmic showers

I it and dream of halibut and hake

I’d sell my soul for kippers

I’m begging with my flippers



All I want is fish

Just one trouty kiss

It would be alright

If only I could fly

All I want is fish

Just one trouty kiss

It would alright

If only I could fly



All I need is fish

That’s my only wish

Got to ask you why

Why can’t penguins fly?



Alien: So much for penguins on the moon teeheehee!



SCENE 11 (CAPTAIN'S DOUBTS)

VERSE 1

Capt: Now I’m here I feel so responsible,

Yes I brought these chicks to the moon.

All my theories said it was possible

Was I just some kind of fool?

Thought that the moon was a tropical paradise

I placed my bets and I gambled it all.

Now I’m here I’ve found that it’s not so nice,

Hear my homing penguin call…

VERSE 2

I studied the moon through a powerful telescope

Light side, dark side I’ve been right around

Burt and Bob so young and so full of hope

I just can’t, can’t let them down.

CHORUS

I built this spaceship to get penguins into space

I hoped the moon was one big happy shiny place.

-*-

CHORUS

I built this spaceship to get penguins into space

But now I see it’s not our kinda place.



SCENE 12 (WE’RE ON OUR WAY BACK -to live in the snow)

VERSE 1

Bob: Well we’ve hunted lots of fish

Burt: But without much luck.

Bob: It’s our favourite favourite dish…

Burt: But we never tried duck.

Capt: We’ve been searching high and low across the lunar seas

Bob & Burt:Without a trout about,

Alfredo: And we’re sick of eating cheese.

CHORUS

Penguins: We’re on our way back to live in the snow,

Bob & Burt:Not sorry to be leaving.

Penguins: We’ve tried the moon but it’s just not home,

Alfredo: Just happy to out of here.

VERSE 2

Burt: Well the gravity’s nice and low,

Bob: But we still can’t fly.

Burt: We didn’t think we’d miss the south pole

Bob: We gave it a try.

Capt: But these sands and rocks don’t suit us as much as we’d thought,

Burt & Bob:They dry our feathers out.

Alfredo: And it’s painful on my paws…

Bob: What paws Alf?

CHORUS

Penguins: We’re on our way back to live in the snow,

Bob & Burt:Not sorry to be leaving.

Penguins: We’ve tried the moon but it’s just not home,

Alfredo: Just happy to out of here.

CHORUS

Penguins: We’re on our way back to live in the snow,

Bob & Burt: Not sorry to be leaving.

Penguins: We’ve tried the moon but it’s just not home,

Alfredo: Just happy to out of here.

Penguins: We’ve come so far now it’s time to go, Woo!




All lyrics by Chris Dale and Alex Dickson. Copyright control.